in preparation for a new life

“I feel it now: There’s a power in me to grasp and give shape to my world.” —Rainer Maria Rilke

Reverie by Megan Gabrielle Harris

I am considering the phenomenal power we hold in our hands to transform our lives.

The potential for this new life has begun to take form as I decide what I want it to be. Personified, its body will be an abstraction; certainly not round or square. Actually, to be clear, no shape that already exists will do. There will be curves and bizarre pointed areas, zigs, zags, and swirls added just for my amusement. It will be something to marvel over, like the invention of a new color. 

I am attempting to grasp hold of this abstraction—a destined life journey, curated specifically for me, that is nearly ripe and ready. 

Mary Oliver, Upstream

This strong pull towards a more unconventional life, one that is completely my own, began right before I turned 30 during my Saturn Return¹.  I was entering my fourth year of living alone after being in a codependent relationship for most of my twenties, and I had found incredible strength and healing in my solitude.

But my once fruitful time alone had morphed into an aching loneliness, and I desired to be out in the world again after my necessary years of hibernation. As the poet Warsan Shire said, “You are the alchemist of your loneliness. You can create anything in its place.” 

I had approached a critical turning point where I needed to rid myself of any attachments that were preventing movement. There was no more growth left where I was, and I couldn’t remain in a stagnant situation after its teachings had been realized.

I became restless, as if my soul wanted to jump out of my body. I can always feel it, profoundly, when it is time to grow in the next unknown chapter. I could not keep rereading the same page, searching for different words and sentences. They were not there; I had graduated and was ready for new lessons. 

Following this inner calling, I sold my belongings and left my apartment behind to move back into my childhood home. Nearly a year later, my experiences in the world have offered glimpses into a life that awaited me: exploration guided by intuition, connecting with people from all walks of life, writing about my observations and wisdom gained while living through my spirit, and teaching what I’ve learned along the way.

My true, free-spirited self was beginning to emerge. Still, my nomadic desires are nascent. Less than a decade ago, I was terrified of navigating the world alone and suffered from crippling anxiety. Raised in a family where leaving the comfort zone was met with apprehension, I didn’t witness examples of audacious living. So, I could either become a product of my environment, or use it as fuel to construct my most authentic life. Yet by committing to living from a place of true power, death and destruction must occur. 

“I am so busy. I am practicing my new hobby of watching me become someone else. There is so much violence in reconstruction. Each minute is grisly, but I have to participate. I am building what cannot break.”

—Jennifer Willough

To create room for expansion, there will be an uncomfortable and oftentimes devastating shedding of all that no longer fits in the shape of your new life.

In my case, I recently experienced the abrupt loss of a significant relationship. Suddenly, gone was one version of my future, which I knew did not align with the less conventional life that I envisioned, yet it was (paradoxically) the most extraordinary bond I’ve ever had. But in staying together, we would both be negating our true selves.

Even in my despair and heartache, I have to consider the underlying blessing: a freedom that comes with no longer denying any aspect of myself. I am free to not only test the waters of the nomadic lifestyle, but step into it fully before settling into a place that feels the most like home. What remains, then, is a promising space to dream without any limitations. 

Now, I am preparing for a life that, for the first time, is entirely up to me.  As my relationship dissolved, my abundant tears of release became the nutrients for the open field that I find myself standing in. Starting over is a precious, delicate thing. In the midst of grief, there is still an acknowledgment of the boundless opportunity I have to cultivate the land to my liking. So with tenacity and faith, I reached my hands down into the wet soil and began planting. 

In March, a hopeful seed begins to sprout. Stay tuned for my solo adventures in Mexico City!

¹ In astrology, the first Saturn Return typically occurs between ages 27 and 29, and it marks a pivotal time, often including significant changes and obstacles, that is meant to bring us in alignment with our true path.

𖤓 When do you know that it’s time to move into a new chapter? What signs, feelings, or other factors alert you?

𖤓 How are you feeling about the current chapter of life you’re in? Are there any significant lessons that you are learning?

𖤓 Describe your relationship to change and letting go of stagnant energy. Are you open to it, or more resistant?

𖤓 What are you currently planting in your life, and how will you tend to it?

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